"Start your day off the holy way with Christ Chex!" - Dane Cook
Kristy: "Do people with red hair have red pubes?
Me: "Kevin Haley does!"
"Don't you wanna hang out and waste your life with us?" - Spike Speigel
"Well, my ship works better when I kick it" - Spike Speigel
"Mmmmm........pudding" - Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th
"Satellite from days of old, lead me to your access code." - Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th
"Faye-Faye! Smoke smoke, Faye-Faye. Puff puff Faye-Faye!" - Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky 4th
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" ~John Stewart
The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. ~Lorne Bloch
I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner? ~Rob Nash
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~Woody Allen
If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered. ~Robin Tyler
The Lord is my Shepherd and he knows I'm gay. ~Rev. Troy Perry
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~Paula Poundstone
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
"Go out and drink lots of 40's, then go home and have some orgies, then get in your car, so you can drive back to the bar!" - Andy Butler
"You do know what crack is, right Kristin?" - Me.....
"Yeah, crack is pot!" - Kristin Roth
"Texas: where the men are men and the cattle are afraid." - Jason Leep
"Super-Size that please!" - Heather Hallahan
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. ~Author Unknown
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. ~Woody Allen, on the Ku Klux Klan
Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious. ~Bill Maher
Drinking Quotes!
"Always do sober wht you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemmingway
"I only drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan
"Those who drink beer will think beer." - Washington Irving
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
Simpsons Quotes!
"I'm a rage-aholic. I can't live without rage-ahol!" - Homer Simpson
"Ooooooh, they have the internet on computers now!" - Homer Simpson
"All right, brain, I don't like you, and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." - Homer Simpson
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." - Homer Simpson
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." - Homer Simpson
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." - Homer Simpson
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" - Homer Simpson
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." - Homer Simpson
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" - Homer Simpson
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." - Homer Simpson
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." - Homer Simpson
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" - Homer Simpson
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" - Homer Simpson
I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming. ~Homer Simpson
